I’m feeling super confused right now. I just feel so disconnected from life and from myself, my surroundings, emotions, everything. I can’t make sense of my feelings and emotions or even know what they are. I’ve really been a wreck since taking my girlfriend to the airport a week and a half ago. It’s like a part of me died or something. I don’t know. I don’t understand what I’m feeling. I just feel like she was a part of me and now she’s gone and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is regular heartbreak after a breakup, or if we were codependent, or what…I do wonder about codependency because I see some of the signs of it in our relationship, but I don’t really know. I mean, her counselor said she thought it sounded like we had a really healthy relationship. And my girlfriend always said I was wonderful and felt like I was just what she wanted and all this stuff. But I feel like I was really…Idk…on edge a lot.
I feared making her angry. I mean, I feared it so much that I would start trembling just thinking of talking to her about something that I thought may make her upset. I was very hypervigilent for any sign that she may be getting angry and then would immediately try to do something to keep that from happening. I was always listening for any sound when she was in the other room, and if it sounded like maybe she was getting upset I’d want to do something right away and it was getting so exhausting.
The thing is, I feel bad saying all this because it sounds like she was some awfully angry person, but she wasn’t. She was doing great working on her anger and rarely got angry at me the last couple months of our relationship. But I was so afraid from the times before…well, really, I guess why I was so afraid didn’t even have to do with her, it’s because of my fears of anger seeing what it did as a child.
I felt such a need to take care of her too. I felt like she was a child in some ways (I’m sorry, I feel that sounds horribly offensive, but that’s what it felt like) and so I was trying to “parent” her, but I think she was doing the same with me in some ways. Actually, she told me something along those lines, that she felt that way, like she wanted to nurture me and “mother” me at times.
I loved her so much, but I see ways that I was trying to control her. Not really in obvious ways, but things like, I knew she tended to get mad when she’d be on the computer, so if I thought she was getting on the computer, I would try to show up right away and get her onto something else or ask “do you really want to get on right now? You know you always get angry when you’re on the computer.” And really, she’s an adult, that is her decision and I feel that, though I was trying to help, I was also being controlling.
I don’t know, I just see that there were definitely problems.
Oh another thing that I really have trouble with is saying no to sex or to being touched sexually. And again, this isn’t her fault, it’s a boundary issue I have of feeling like I’ll be abandoned if I don’t put out and that I have to always do what the person wants to do when they want it. But I was having a really hard time saying anything when I didn’t want to do stuff and it was hurting me because of course, all the abuse was sex I didn’t want, so I really need to learn to say no to sex I don’t want and realize that my body is mine and I can say I don’t want it touched right now or whatever.
I’m really wondering if part of the reason I am hurting so bad is because I became so intwined with her. I mean, I wasn’t taking the time for myself that I needed. I felt badly saying that I needed time to myself because I tend to need TONS of time to myself and I didn’t want her to feel badly, but instead, I ended up spending way too much time together and becoming very dependent on her emotional state for my happiness. If she was happy, I was happy, if she wasn’t happy, I tried really hard to do something to get her happy. It really wasn’t healthy. I think I lost a lot of my own identity and my own separate selfness. And now I need to gain that back and it’s hard because I was so enmeshed with her. I mean, I feel like we were married. We lived together half the time we were dating. And we were so so…I don’t know…close and just together all the time.
She told me when we first met that she had a lot of trouble with becoming codependent on friends. She had a friend right then that she was going through a hard time with because of that. But I thought it’d be fine and we’d be able to avoid that because I wasn’t going to enable her. That’s what I thought. But I think what happened is I didn’t realize how codependent I can become and I think both of us kind of became very unhealthily dependent on each other, maybe me even more than her, Idk.
So I guess I need to read more about codependency. I need to know how to avoid it. I also feel like that is making it harder to deal with losing her and so I’m hoping reading more about it will help me heal from this breakup better because I’m just having a real real hard time.
Well, I’m getting a bit rambly, but writing all that made me think…back near the beginning of our relationship, I had to leave town for a while due to my health. We also decided to take a break from our relationship at that time for other reasons. I did really badly then too. I was falling apart. I was trying all the things that usually help – art, meditation, talking to others, writing, being out in nature – and it just wasn’t getting better. I was hurting so much. And then, when I got back to town, and we were seeing each other, we were trying to decide what our relationship should be and part of me really knew that I wasn’t ready for a relationship and that we maybe shouldn’t be together, but when I thought of losing her, I felt so desperate. I felt I just couldn’t lose her and like it would kill me. And finally, I decided it was worth taking the chance of getting really hurt and that I just wanted to be with her. And I’m glad I did. I mean, we did have some amazing times together and it was amazing connecting with someone the way we connected. But I do think I had an unhealthy dependence on her, and that, just in general, I have an unhealthy dependence on relationships. I tend to feel very desperate for a relationship and have a hard time not being in one even when I know I shouldn’t be.
In platonic relationships I also have a hard time with just not being able to deal with differences. I feel I have to make people happy and Idk how to be my own person without just cutting them out of my life if they disagree with me. I don’t know how to keep a relationship when there is disagreement.
Anyway, that’s a ton of thoughts on codependency!