Trying to Get on Disability

I really need money, so I am trying to get on disability since I really can’t work currently. Physically there’s the extreme fatigue and pain caused by Dysautonomia and then there’s also the PTSD.

So today I had an appointment with my primary care provider and talked to her about wanting to get on disability. She wasn’t very helpful and didn’t really sound like she could/would help me with that process. She said she thought I should just try to get on for the ptsd. But my counselor says I really should have more than just the ptsd because it will strengthen my case if there’s a diagnosed physical problem. Unfortunately the Dysautonomia is only unofficially diagnosed so I can’t use that.

I’m also trying to get in with a psychiatrist because my counselor said that people who are M.D.’s are going to have more weight when it comes to my application for disability. I can’t find a psychiatrist who I can get in with though, so I’m feeling kind of stuck there.

So it looks like all I have right now is my counselor who has diagnosed me with ptsd. I’m really hoping that’ll be enough because I seriously need some way to have an income. I’m working on things I can do to earn money, but it won’t be much for now.

I guess it’ll all work out though.

Transphobia Inside and Out

I went to my primary care provider today. She is really awesome in many ways. Overall, I think she’s really the best pcp I could have. She’s into natural treatments (which is really big for me), she’s super nonjudgmental and open to different ways of living, she’s very compassionate and really listens to me and asks how I’m doing… good stuff! But the one problem is that I tend to feel invalidated in my gender when I go see her.

I’m not sure exactly what it was today…we were talking about sex because I was telling her I planned on being polyamorous and how often did I need to come in for testing. She kept talking about women having sex, and lesbians. It wasn’t that she attacked me in any way for my gender, but I felt like she ignored it and classed me as a lesbian.

Honestly, I wish I was a lesbian. Sometimes I think of just not telling anyone anything gender related and just letting people see me as a lesbian, but it feels so uncomfortable. I’m just not a woman no matter how much I sometimes wish I could be. I mean, I have woman inside me. I am man and woman, but I feel like the male is forward. I don’t know if “forward” makes sense to anyone else but me, but that’s the best word I can think of.

It just gets tiring being invalidated by people on both sides. Some very conservative people tell me I’m not a man because whatever, but then progressive liberal people tell me the same for some other reason.

It’s really not so bad what people say if it wasn’t for the way it gets internalized. I mean, it is bad. We should all respect each other and not try to tell others what their identity is, but I feel the worst part is the internal part. I find I have so much internalized transphobia. I see myself as a “pretend” man. I think other people see me and think “that stupid girl thinks she’s a guy” and so I find myself thinking the same. I look at my body and ask myself who I’m kidding (though outwardly I say that body doesn’t matter). And I wonder if the fact that I feel female too means I’m less male, but I don’t feel like I am. I feel like I’m totally guy and totally girl, it just depends on which way I’m looking at myself or what day/minute/second it happens to be.

I’ve been trying to do affirmations to work on other things when it comes to self-esteem and such and I think this is something I need to add. I need to affirm my gender and that I am what I say I am no matter what anyone else thinks about it.

Love,
Mi

Divorce

Even though my husband and I split almost a year ago, we still haven’t gotten the divorce finalized. When I brought it up last, he was really sad because he doesn’t want it. I felt so badly. I am also struggling a lot with the whole thing. I don’t know any other option. I mean, I’m just not really that attracted to men and I don’t feel I can spend my life with him.
Anyway, so the other day he wrote me asking if I wanted to get the divorce done when he comes up to town to shop (he lives way out in the country and doesn’t often come to town). So I wondered if there was some reason for him suddenly wanting to get it done. Turns out he’s thinking to leave the country!
So now I’m terrified. I mean, he is my biggest support and he means a lot to me even if we’re splitting and the thought of him being in some other country is absolutely terrifying. I feel so alone already and that makes me feel even more alone. I’m afraid to not have him around. I’m afraid of losing him.
It’s so hard because I can’t be married to him, but I so wish we could just live in the same place forever. But obviously, I can’t ask him to do that. He needs to go on with his life.
I’m also really stressed about the whole divorce process. It’s so overwhelming! You’re supposed to write all the things you own and how you’re splitting them and on and on and on…I wish we could just say “we agree, we’ll figure it out, that’s it”.
And divorce feels like a death. I feel like I need more time to process. I mean, I have had time, but I feel like this is so sudden. I don’t know. I’m just feeling a lot of things. I wish I could’ve kept my vows, or that I had known then that I wouldn’t be able to. I hate that I am going back on what I promised. I really meant what I said, but I can’t keep it. I just wish so much someone had helped me know that I could accept being queer and that I didn’t have to marry a man.
I wish so much I had a friend to just sit with me through this. I just want a place to go where I can relax and watch tv with someone who cares. I don’t know anything to talk about, I just want to know someone is there and I want someone to hug me while I cry.

Trying Polyamory…I Think

I went to a polyamory meetup the other night and met some really cool people. I’ve gone before, but this time just was different I guess because I actually met a couple people I’m interested in. It got me started thinking again about polyamory. I thought about this before and then, when I was with my ex-girlfriend, I was being monogamous and I decided maybe I was monogamous because I’m so jealous. But I’ve talked to a couple people who’ve said that definitely doesn’t mean I’m not poly, a lot of people are jealous it just depends what you do with it. And I do tend to see jealousy as something I need to work on rather than something that I should let run the relationship.
Anyway, I’ve been confused because I’ve heard people describe it as “when a person is monogamous, they have a drive for a partner, but it ends once they find someone. For a polyamorous person, they still have that drive and want more than one partner”. Well, I don’t really have any drive for a partner. All I want is cuddles and companionship and I’m happy to get that from a friend, a lover, or more than one lover. I don’t really look for relationships, I just let them come to me or not. But I have noticed that I have a real fear of monogamy. I have this huge fear of getting with someone who I really like, but that then there’ll be someone else I like more and I won’t be able to get with them because I’m with this other person, or I’ll have to hurt the person I’m with and leave them. I feel like I have to be super picky if I’m going to be monogamous and I find myself basically looking for a perfect partner because of that fear, when really, there’s a lot of people that I would be interested in if I didn’t feel like I had to be so picky. And honestly, a big part of it is physical and also sexual. I feel like, if I’m going to be monogamous, I HAVE to be with someone that I am super sexually attracted to and sexually compatible with. And there are people like that in the world I’m sure…I think…or what if I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist? Someone who’s more perfect than I’ll ever find? And maybe that’s why polyamory attracts me is because then I can get different needs filled by different people.
I guess it’s like, say, my favorite ice cream is mango flavor and I’m told I can only eat one ice cream the rest of my life, of course I’ll eat mango. But what if I’ve actually never experienced eating mango ice cream? I’m not even sure it exists. Right now it’s just this nice idea in my head. But I really like vanilla ice cream. But I’ve been told I can only have one ice cream. Well, I’m super afraid to choose vanilla because maybe there’s mango out there, but who knows? However, if I can eat different ice creams, I’ll super enjoy the vanilla, strawberry, and other flavors, and they will all enrich my life instead of me feeling stuck on having to find mango. And while I am enjoying those other flavors, perhaps I’ll find mango and be able to enjoy that too, and perhaps I’ll find that mango really is just a figment of my imagination.
I guess that’s what I wonder. I have this idea that there is this person out there who is so amazing in every way, such an awesome personality, so attractive to me, so sexually compatible with me, that suddenly I will be able to be monogamous and happy. This is the idea I have, and honestly, I do really hope it’s true. But what if it’s not? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking for that person when there’s so many awesome people who can fulfill some of my desires and I can fulfill some of their’s and we can enjoy ourselves and be happy together. So I figure that’s what I need to do for now. I can always re-evaluate later.
So, my ex-girlfriend and I have been getting a lot more lovey dubby lately when we talk. After going to that meetup I got to thinking that I really should talk to her some about how I’m feeling since we’re really acting like we’re together again. So I told her that I just really don’t think I can be monogamous. She was definitely upset by it. She got off the phone at first, after asking if there was a person I was interested in and I said yes. But then she called back and said she didn’t want to just end it like that. She said she loves me so much that she’d like to try and see if she can do this. That scares me. I love her a ton. I don’t want to hurt her. I mean, I guess either option will hurt her and it’s up to her to decide which she wants more. Right now, she feels that the option of not having me any longer would hurt worse than being with me and just dealing with that I am seeing other people. I feel bad though because she is so jealous and she just seems like a totally monogamous person and I’m afraid of this just really really being a continuously hurtful situation for her. Part of me feels like, well, if I love her, shouldn’t I choose to break up with her to leave her free from that? But then, I guess that’d be making the decision for her and she’s an adult and can choose for herself what she wants.
I did tell her what I thought. I said that though I love her so much and want to be with her, I’d NEVER ask her to do this because I’m just afraid that it’ll be too painful for her. She said it feels more painful to think of having to get over me. So I don’t know.
It also frightens me because, I am so afraid of my feelings for her. I love her so much. And it frightens me to do this because it means opening myself back up to my feelings for her knowing that at any time she may say that this kind of relationship is just not going to work for her and she’ll leave. I guess that’s always a risk in a relationship, but I feel like this definitely ups the risk. But I think she means enough to me that I want to take the risk if this is really what she wants.
I’ve thought about whether this is something I could compromise on again, but I already did that for 5 months while we were together before and I found myself wishing I could be with other people.
It actually makes me love her more thinking that I can be free to love her and love other people. I mean, it makes me feel free to love her I guess is what it is. Before I felt so afraid to love her because I knew I couldn’t go back to an exclusive relationship. But I feel like if I can be poly, I am free to love her because loving her doesn’t mean giving up something that I don’t feel I can give up right now.
I just left a marriage near the beginning of last year and then very quickly I got in a relationship with her. I feel there’s so much to learn about myself. I just don’t feel like I can get into an exclusive relationship, long-term, where we’re talking about marriage, and not have explored whether polyamory is actually better for me than monogamy. We shall see I guess. I can’t know if someday in the future I’ll decide to be monogamous again, but right now I feel like this is the best option for me. And I do hope it can work out for our relationship because I love her so much.

Bad Luck with Relationships

I feel like I’m just having really bad luck when it comes to relationships. So, I met this person. (They are genderqueer/transmasculine and go by gender neutral pronouns so I’ll be refering to them with singular “they/them/their” pronouns. I was just leaving town for a while when I met them and so I got their facebook so we could keep in touch. At that time I wasn’t really thinking of anything romantic though I was a bit attracted to them so it did cross my mind. We talked for the three weeks while I was gone and really connected. We wrote super long messages and I really enjoyed talking to them.
When I got back to town, we started hanging out. By that time, I had a crush on them. They were also interested in me and pretty quickly stuff happened. I had told them, just in talking, that I really connect if I have sex with someone and so I wasn’t (at the time, that was before really getting interested in them) planning to have sex with anyone. They had also told me that they don’t have sex unless they’re with someone. So, when they ended up initiating sex, I guess I thought that they were probably interested in being together. About a week later, we met up for tea, and they said they had to tell me something. They started crying and I could tell they felt awful, but they said they just weren’t in a place where they could be in a relationship and they really needed me as a friend. They needed my support and really hoped I would be willing to go back to just being friends. They said they wanted so much to make it work, but they just couldn’t. I felt horrible. I also was kind of angry at them because of how we had talked about sex and they knew how I felt about it. They apologized for that and said that they felt really bad about it, they had just felt really confused because they did really like me, but they weren’t in a place where they could deal with that kind of vulnerability. So we went back to just being friends.
At first I felt pretty good about it actually because we were hanging out a ton and getting closer and it was great. And we still cuddled from time to time. So it felt good. But then I started finding that I was really falling in love with them. I figured it’d be fine and I’d just get over them eventually. It also complicates things because they remind me of an ex that I have that I’m actually still in love with. Except this ex was abusive. So it has brought up a lot of feelings and fears even though intellectually I know they’re different people, they look so much like him that it’s hard to remember that they’re different at times.
So that actually ended up really causing problems. This past week, I left town again, and the day I left they were PMSing and were kind of a jerk to me and they called and apologized afterwards. But then they were really being distant and I started feeling really worried. I wondered if it had to do with me or what was going on. I have a lot of insecurities because of so much abandonment in my life and it’s compounded with them because of them looking so much like my ex like I said. So eventually it was driving me so crazy I just said something like “hey, you’ve seemed different lately. I feel like you’re distancing yourself from me and I realize it’s probably just that you’ve been stressed but I wanted to ask about it so I don’t keep worrying.” They said yeah that they were just stressed. I asked if they’d tell me if they had a problem with me (and I know I should’ve just believed them and dropped it, I just get so scared). They said they would and then they said how they don’t know how to convince me and said they feel like I think they’re treating me bad and I got scared they’d get angry if I told them how I felt then they asked why I’m always afraid they’ll get angry and I don’t know, it just turned into this long thing and I guess I said some things that hurt their feelings, though I’m still not sure exactly what it was. I know they hurt mine a lot. And they finally said they didn’t want to talk for several days. That triggered like every fear of abandonment that I have and I just fell apart (after we quit talking). The next morning they did end up writing but it sounded like they were very frustrated and they basically said that they are a distant person that’s just how they are and I needed to respect it and that they thought I maybe still have romantic feelings for them and I need to stop and that we need to chill out because things are getting too intense and we need boundaries and we need to evaluate our friendship and all this stuff.
I felt awful. I also felt angry. I felt like they were blaming me for the whole thing and saying basically that I’m supposed to respect that they push me away and fuck my feelings. That’s what it felt like. And I felt like they wanted to pull away farther as a friend and were saying they don’t want such a close relationship. I don’t know if they were saying that or not, but it felt that way. But the biggest thing I think was that it just really hurt me because, it hasn’t been that long since we were having sex and stuff and I had told them I attach. I haven’t done anything since then. I have respected that they want to be just friends. But it really hurt that I felt like they were just like upset that I may still have feelings for them and that they would expect me to just get over them so quick. And that it made me feel like, wow, they sure got over me quick! Guess they didn’t care that much. And that really hurt me. And it makes me feel very raw and vulnerable. I don’t like it that somehow they were able to tell that I’m still really in to them. I feel very rejected and very dumb. And really, I’m broken hearted. It’s so crazy. I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. Yeah, I said that about my ex girlfriend too, but this was like a million times more intense and I wasn’t even with this person! So I don’t know, I guess I just fall for the wrong people.
I hate it because I am very passionate and I do love very deeply when I love someone. I pour myself into relationships. And maybe I shouldn’t so much. Or maybe I just need to find the right person to pour out my love on. It just hurts because I feel like they’re faulting me for caring so much. And I feel like they just don’t care. And that hurts so bad. I just want to know that they care about me. Even as just a friend.
That’s what is so hard too…they just aren’t very expressive. They are very very distant often and that is incredibly hard for me. Half the time I wonder if they even want me around or enjoy hanging out with me. But then they’ll say something and I realize they do. But its hard because it’s so infrequent. And now I’m really really feeling uncared for because I feel like they just totally shoved me away with the things they said and I just desperately want some kind of assurance that they do still care.
I’m afraid to see them. I’m afraid that they’ll want to talk about boundaries, like they said, and that then I will feel even more pushed away.
It really sucks because this weekend they are graduating, I really wanted to be there for that, and it’s my birthday, we had some fun plans for that, but I’m feeling like I just can’t go back. When I’m there, I’m homeless and right now I’m feeling so so raw and vulnerable that I just don’t think I can do it. And I also, like I said, am very afraid to see them. After that whole argument happening, I am feeling even more the whole connection of them with my ex and it’s scaring me. I mean, I feel very triggered by them. And I know they are not abusive, whereas he was, but anger frightens me, distance frightens me, being pushed away frightens me. I feel afraid to say anything to them now about how I feel about anything in our friendship because I’m so afraid if they get upset, they’ll just quit talking to me again and that just hurts me too much. This whole thing just seriously sucks.
How do I quit loving them? How do I be just friends when I feel so much for them? And how do I deal with the fear that I now feel around them?
Part of me thinks maybe we’re just too different. I want super closeness (and I like that with platonic friends as well, it’s not just because I like them so much), and they are super distant and want their space. I have a lot of insecurities and it seems like those insecurities piss them off. I know I need to work on trusting people and not being so insecure, but I don’t know how to get there immediately. I can’t get there immediately. But I feel like they expect me to or something. It makes me feel really badly because, yeah, I know I need to get over it, but I am insecure because I’ve lost so many people who I loved and that’s not my fault, so it sucks that now, I may lose more people over insecurities I have when what I need so badly to get over the insecurities is to have people in my life who can understand why I’m afraid of abandonment and will just stick around and understand that I will have fears at times. But I guess a lot of people can’t deal with that and that’s hard. I guess I’m feeling like I’m doomed at making friends because I will just push them all away with my insecurities. But it’s not true! I do have friends who are fine with it and understand and it’s not a huge deal to them. So why is it with this friend? I don’t know, this whole thing just hurts and I feel like crawling into a hole and hiding till it’s all over with. I just wish I could know the future right now and know if when I go back things will be ok and if we will be able to stay good friends. I so badly don’t want to lose them, even if I can’t have them romantically.
Please please please, if you comment, be nice, I’m in a really bad place emotionally right now and it’s really vulnerable to post this. I just needed to get it off my mind.

Love,
Mi

Codependency?

I’m feeling super confused right now. I just feel so disconnected from life and from myself, my surroundings, emotions, everything. I can’t make sense of my feelings and emotions or even know what they are. I’ve really been a wreck since taking my girlfriend to the airport a week and a half ago. It’s like a part of me died or something. I don’t know. I don’t understand what I’m feeling. I just feel like she was a part of me and now she’s gone and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is regular heartbreak after a breakup, or if we were codependent, or what…I do wonder about codependency because I see some of the signs of it in our relationship, but I don’t really know. I mean, her counselor said she thought it sounded like we had a really healthy relationship. And my girlfriend always said I was wonderful and felt like I was just what she wanted and all this stuff. But I feel like I was really…Idk…on edge a lot.

I feared making her angry. I mean, I feared it so much that I would start trembling just thinking of talking to her about something that I thought may make her upset. I was very hypervigilent for any sign that she may be getting angry and then would immediately try to do something to keep that from happening. I was always listening for any sound when she was in the other room, and if it sounded like maybe she was getting upset I’d want to do something right away and it was getting so exhausting.

The thing is, I feel bad saying all this because it sounds like she was some awfully angry person, but she wasn’t. She was doing great working on her anger and rarely got angry at me the last couple months of our relationship. But I was so afraid from the times before…well, really, I guess why I was so afraid didn’t even have to do with her, it’s because of my fears of anger seeing what it did as a child.

I felt such a need to take care of her too. I felt like she was a child in some ways (I’m sorry, I feel that sounds horribly offensive, but that’s what it felt like) and so I was trying to “parent” her, but I think she was doing the same with me in some ways. Actually, she told me something along those lines, that she felt that way, like she wanted to nurture me and “mother” me at times.

I loved her so much, but I see ways that I was trying to control her. Not really in obvious ways, but things like, I knew she tended to get mad when she’d be on the computer, so if I thought she was getting on the computer, I would try to show up right away and get her onto something else or ask “do you really want to get on right now? You know you always get angry when you’re on the computer.” And really, she’s an adult, that is her decision and I feel that, though I was trying to help, I was also being controlling.
I don’t know, I just see that there were definitely problems.

Oh another thing that I really have trouble with is saying no to sex or to being touched sexually. And again, this isn’t her fault, it’s a boundary issue I have of feeling like I’ll be abandoned if I don’t put out and that I have to always do what the person wants to do when they want it. But I was having a really hard time saying anything when I didn’t want to do stuff and it was hurting me because of course, all the abuse was sex I didn’t want, so I really need to learn to say no to sex I don’t want and realize that my body is mine and I can say I don’t want it touched right now or whatever.

I’m really wondering if part of the reason I am hurting so bad is because I became so intwined with her. I mean, I wasn’t taking the time for myself that I needed. I felt badly saying that I needed time to myself because I tend to need TONS of time to myself and I didn’t want her to feel badly, but instead, I ended up spending way too much time together and becoming very dependent on her emotional state for my happiness. If she was happy, I was happy, if she wasn’t happy, I tried really hard to do something to get her happy. It really wasn’t healthy. I think I lost a lot of my own identity and my own separate selfness. And now I need to gain that back and it’s hard because I was so enmeshed with her. I mean, I feel like we were married. We lived together half the time we were dating. And we were so so…I don’t know…close and just together all the time.

She told me when we first met that she had a lot of trouble with becoming codependent on friends. She had a friend right then that she was going through a hard time with because of that. But I thought it’d be fine and we’d be able to avoid that because I wasn’t going to enable her. That’s what I thought. But I think what happened is I didn’t realize how codependent I can become and I think both of us kind of became very unhealthily dependent on each other, maybe me even more than her, Idk.

So I guess I need to read more about codependency. I need to know how to avoid it. I also feel like that is making it harder to deal with losing her and so I’m hoping reading more about it will help me heal from this breakup better because I’m just having a real real hard time.

Well, I’m getting a bit rambly, but writing all that made me think…back near the beginning of our relationship, I had to leave town for a while due to my health. We also decided to take a break from our relationship at that time for other reasons. I did really badly then too. I was falling apart. I was trying all the things that usually help – art, meditation, talking to others, writing, being out in nature – and it just wasn’t getting better. I was hurting so much. And then, when I got back to town, and we were seeing each other, we were trying to decide what our relationship should be and part of me really knew that I wasn’t ready for a relationship and that we maybe shouldn’t be together, but when I thought of losing her, I felt so desperate. I felt I just couldn’t lose her and like it would kill me. And finally, I decided it was worth taking the chance of getting really hurt and that I just wanted to be with her. And I’m glad I did. I mean, we did have some amazing times together and it was amazing connecting with someone the way we connected. But I do think I had an unhealthy dependence on her, and that, just in general, I have an unhealthy dependence on relationships. I tend to feel very desperate for a relationship and have a hard time not being in one even when I know I shouldn’t be.

In platonic relationships I also have a hard time with just not being able to deal with differences. I feel I have to make people happy and Idk how to be my own person without just cutting them out of my life if they disagree with me. I don’t know how to keep a relationship when there is disagreement.
Anyway, that’s a ton of thoughts on codependency!

Love,
Mi

Life

(Hmmm, I’m not very descriptive with my titles.)

I’m missing my girlfriend like crazy. I mean, I guess she’s my ex now, but I can’t stand to say that, it makes me too sad. I hate that we had to break up. I hate that we can’t be together. But, at the same time, things were so hard while we were together. I just wasn’t ready for such a serious relationship and so there was a lot of hard stuff because of that and also I don’t think she was really ready either. It’s like, two people, who are both really broken, met and we connected so amazingly that we tried to make it work, but it just couldn’t, in some ways, it was doomed from the start I guess. It sucks because now we’re both broken hearted, but I guess we can be thankful for the amazing times we had together. It’s just so hard having her so far away now. And her dad won’t let her talk much on the phone and micromanages everything she does which is keeping us from being able to communicate as much as we want. That’s really hard for me. It makes me so angry. I just can’t stand the way he treats her, or the way he talks about me. Like I am some awful person who didn’t care about her when the truth is, I am so in love with her and care hugely and I was trying to help her not to have to go back to him because he hurts her so much. It’s just such a messed up situation.

So now I’m back out in isolation. I had to move back in with Steven. That sucks. But at the same time, he is so kind to help me out. It’s either here or being homeless and I am afraid I wouldn’t survive the winter too well being homeless.

I guess it’s not so bad. I mean, here I am safe, I have a home to be in and don’t have to be on the street (that is REALLY nice!), I have internet (also nice), and I can really focus on getting myself better. It’s just such a long process, trying to heal from the ptsd. I’m so broken! I hate it. But I’m getting a lot stronger. A lot. So that’s good. I’ll make it. I know I will. I just have to keep going. Which can be very hard at times, especially lately, but I can’t give up after coming so far.

Love,

Mi