I feel like I’m just having really bad luck when it comes to relationships. So, I met this person. (They are genderqueer/transmasculine and go by gender neutral pronouns so I’ll be refering to them with singular “they/them/their” pronouns. I was just leaving town for a while when I met them and so I got their facebook so we could keep in touch. At that time I wasn’t really thinking of anything romantic though I was a bit attracted to them so it did cross my mind. We talked for the three weeks while I was gone and really connected. We wrote super long messages and I really enjoyed talking to them.
When I got back to town, we started hanging out. By that time, I had a crush on them. They were also interested in me and pretty quickly stuff happened. I had told them, just in talking, that I really connect if I have sex with someone and so I wasn’t (at the time, that was before really getting interested in them) planning to have sex with anyone. They had also told me that they don’t have sex unless they’re with someone. So, when they ended up initiating sex, I guess I thought that they were probably interested in being together. About a week later, we met up for tea, and they said they had to tell me something. They started crying and I could tell they felt awful, but they said they just weren’t in a place where they could be in a relationship and they really needed me as a friend. They needed my support and really hoped I would be willing to go back to just being friends. They said they wanted so much to make it work, but they just couldn’t. I felt horrible. I also was kind of angry at them because of how we had talked about sex and they knew how I felt about it. They apologized for that and said that they felt really bad about it, they had just felt really confused because they did really like me, but they weren’t in a place where they could deal with that kind of vulnerability. So we went back to just being friends.
At first I felt pretty good about it actually because we were hanging out a ton and getting closer and it was great. And we still cuddled from time to time. So it felt good. But then I started finding that I was really falling in love with them. I figured it’d be fine and I’d just get over them eventually. It also complicates things because they remind me of an ex that I have that I’m actually still in love with. Except this ex was abusive. So it has brought up a lot of feelings and fears even though intellectually I know they’re different people, they look so much like him that it’s hard to remember that they’re different at times.
So that actually ended up really causing problems. This past week, I left town again, and the day I left they were PMSing and were kind of a jerk to me and they called and apologized afterwards. But then they were really being distant and I started feeling really worried. I wondered if it had to do with me or what was going on. I have a lot of insecurities because of so much abandonment in my life and it’s compounded with them because of them looking so much like my ex like I said. So eventually it was driving me so crazy I just said something like “hey, you’ve seemed different lately. I feel like you’re distancing yourself from me and I realize it’s probably just that you’ve been stressed but I wanted to ask about it so I don’t keep worrying.” They said yeah that they were just stressed. I asked if they’d tell me if they had a problem with me (and I know I should’ve just believed them and dropped it, I just get so scared). They said they would and then they said how they don’t know how to convince me and said they feel like I think they’re treating me bad and I got scared they’d get angry if I told them how I felt then they asked why I’m always afraid they’ll get angry and I don’t know, it just turned into this long thing and I guess I said some things that hurt their feelings, though I’m still not sure exactly what it was. I know they hurt mine a lot. And they finally said they didn’t want to talk for several days. That triggered like every fear of abandonment that I have and I just fell apart (after we quit talking). The next morning they did end up writing but it sounded like they were very frustrated and they basically said that they are a distant person that’s just how they are and I needed to respect it and that they thought I maybe still have romantic feelings for them and I need to stop and that we need to chill out because things are getting too intense and we need boundaries and we need to evaluate our friendship and all this stuff.
I felt awful. I also felt angry. I felt like they were blaming me for the whole thing and saying basically that I’m supposed to respect that they push me away and fuck my feelings. That’s what it felt like. And I felt like they wanted to pull away farther as a friend and were saying they don’t want such a close relationship. I don’t know if they were saying that or not, but it felt that way. But the biggest thing I think was that it just really hurt me because, it hasn’t been that long since we were having sex and stuff and I had told them I attach. I haven’t done anything since then. I have respected that they want to be just friends. But it really hurt that I felt like they were just like upset that I may still have feelings for them and that they would expect me to just get over them so quick. And that it made me feel like, wow, they sure got over me quick! Guess they didn’t care that much. And that really hurt me. And it makes me feel very raw and vulnerable. I don’t like it that somehow they were able to tell that I’m still really in to them. I feel very rejected and very dumb. And really, I’m broken hearted. It’s so crazy. I haven’t felt this way about anyone before. Yeah, I said that about my ex girlfriend too, but this was like a million times more intense and I wasn’t even with this person! So I don’t know, I guess I just fall for the wrong people.
I hate it because I am very passionate and I do love very deeply when I love someone. I pour myself into relationships. And maybe I shouldn’t so much. Or maybe I just need to find the right person to pour out my love on. It just hurts because I feel like they’re faulting me for caring so much. And I feel like they just don’t care. And that hurts so bad. I just want to know that they care about me. Even as just a friend.
That’s what is so hard too…they just aren’t very expressive. They are very very distant often and that is incredibly hard for me. Half the time I wonder if they even want me around or enjoy hanging out with me. But then they’ll say something and I realize they do. But its hard because it’s so infrequent. And now I’m really really feeling uncared for because I feel like they just totally shoved me away with the things they said and I just desperately want some kind of assurance that they do still care.
I’m afraid to see them. I’m afraid that they’ll want to talk about boundaries, like they said, and that then I will feel even more pushed away.
It really sucks because this weekend they are graduating, I really wanted to be there for that, and it’s my birthday, we had some fun plans for that, but I’m feeling like I just can’t go back. When I’m there, I’m homeless and right now I’m feeling so so raw and vulnerable that I just don’t think I can do it. And I also, like I said, am very afraid to see them. After that whole argument happening, I am feeling even more the whole connection of them with my ex and it’s scaring me. I mean, I feel very triggered by them. And I know they are not abusive, whereas he was, but anger frightens me, distance frightens me, being pushed away frightens me. I feel afraid to say anything to them now about how I feel about anything in our friendship because I’m so afraid if they get upset, they’ll just quit talking to me again and that just hurts me too much. This whole thing just seriously sucks.
How do I quit loving them? How do I be just friends when I feel so much for them? And how do I deal with the fear that I now feel around them?
Part of me thinks maybe we’re just too different. I want super closeness (and I like that with platonic friends as well, it’s not just because I like them so much), and they are super distant and want their space. I have a lot of insecurities and it seems like those insecurities piss them off. I know I need to work on trusting people and not being so insecure, but I don’t know how to get there immediately. I can’t get there immediately. But I feel like they expect me to or something. It makes me feel really badly because, yeah, I know I need to get over it, but I am insecure because I’ve lost so many people who I loved and that’s not my fault, so it sucks that now, I may lose more people over insecurities I have when what I need so badly to get over the insecurities is to have people in my life who can understand why I’m afraid of abandonment and will just stick around and understand that I will have fears at times. But I guess a lot of people can’t deal with that and that’s hard. I guess I’m feeling like I’m doomed at making friends because I will just push them all away with my insecurities. But it’s not true! I do have friends who are fine with it and understand and it’s not a huge deal to them. So why is it with this friend? I don’t know, this whole thing just hurts and I feel like crawling into a hole and hiding till it’s all over with. I just wish I could know the future right now and know if when I go back things will be ok and if we will be able to stay good friends. I so badly don’t want to lose them, even if I can’t have them romantically.
Please please please, if you comment, be nice, I’m in a really bad place emotionally right now and it’s really vulnerable to post this. I just needed to get it off my mind.
Love,
Mi
Love, Mi 